strained
im not blaming you for anythingi dun blame you
for your long absence
or your abrupt leave
to camp
i never did blame you
and
i never am angry
at
what you're supposed to do
why do you always have to think
that
everything is so wrong about us
all the time?
i dont get it
why you get all these misconceptions
im living my life
when u're in camp
i dont want to get tied up
i dont want to mope around
i got a life
and
i dont think you shud be tied down with me too
im making everyday
a routine
for me
so that the days i've spent
will be well spent for
and
soon time will be a breeze...
i say,
dont think too much
it's delusional
...
Saiful's death anniversary is around the corner
it pains
that
after 6 long years
after his death,
he reappeared
in my dream
and said, "Su da lupe Saiful ke?"
and he smiled
ever
so
sweetly
i forgot
how wonderful he was as a person
when
he's still alive.
i woke up
in a verge of breaking down
but i stopped myself
and
i remembered
how vulnerable i was when he left
how weak
how fragile...
i see his face everywhere
and
everytime dat happens,
i broke down
and
cry
it took me a year
to finally get over his sudden death
and
especially him
i couldnt bring myself
to just
break down
for him
now
it takes alot of determination
to get over him
and alot of strength
to keep everything
to myself
sometimes i just lay there and blank
and
most of the times,
i lose it in fits of anger
no one ever knew wad happened to me
the once sweet quiet conservative tomboy
had become a ferocious laser-mouth biatch
some people hates me for my change
others just took advantage
but
noone ever knew wad i've been through
and now,
the truth been out
i guessed i cant keep it much longer
wads the point?
i have never known Saiful's plot no
and
i shant know
i wouldnt want to bring him back
so i never did knew
the guys
were so supportive
they keep it to themselves
i just love them all
i've never visited his grave
i dun tink im strong enough
and
i dun want to take chances
he did alot for me
so much
maybe too much
he has the power to change me
and
dats wad he did
and he succeeded
he had loved me
and
i had loved him back
but
the relationship
is broken
by his death
it
just
breaks
me
i was shielded
and
concreted
no one could ever break me
after dat
i just break people
anger
made me slam others
no one dared to even touch me
no one could break me
until
my grandma died
i just collapsed
i was torn
knowing
that history has repeated itself
and
this time
the impact
bombed
me
to
pieces
i
am now
as
fragile
and as vulnerable
and
i stop trusting people
00:15
