- mizzhaily turns red

i hate...

i never did really like ART
actually hated it
i doodled
i dun DRAW
after sec 2, i swore myself to get my ass in Science class
so that i could get the hell out of Art class
and when i dun want things,
i always do anything in my power to get out of things
i studied like shit
to get to the best class
it doesnt matter how i will suffer later in a science class
just as long as i DUN TAKE ART
i succeeded
6 years of utter bliss
no ART
i feel sorry for my friends who took Art
they have to drag their studies becoz of Art
Art sucks
Art hold you down
and
i still feel sorry for my brother
who took Art
wakakkaaka...
but
little did i know
that 6 years later,
when i indulge myself in all or nothing but DESIGNS
i got myself into a specialised design course
and
i
am
so
UPSET :(
that theres a DRAWING STUDIO as one of the module
EXERCISE THE EYE FOR DETAIL
the lecturer would say
wad shit...
and so i learnt from scratch
how to draw
and sketch
and shade
people know how little my patience is
i keep MIA-ing during drawing studio
coz i JUST CANT DRAW ART
ART is expressive
IM NOT EXPRESSIVE
several times i asked Sabby for help
and those several times she told me that Art is all about PATIENCE
Arrrghh!!
time and time again
she said PATIENCE is everything in shading shit
and
after many classes
with gritted teeth
clenched fist
a longing feeling of stomping out of the studio,
I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE TO DRAW NUDES!
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!!
is
this
design??
but ya know what...
i haf to go thru this for another 1 and half year more
so i go with it
i have gone thru Art for 2 years
i can go thru this temporarily
and i find drawing boobs and lots of tight asses...
funny
waKhahaKAHAHAHAH
and soo
here are my masterpieces
will definitely be in my portfolio...
first
the mannequins as practice

it isnt finish but thats as much time as the lecturer gave us..

this one is 10 min sketch..the mannequin's boob was too small and the ass too non-existent so i gave her perkier boob and fuller ass...wahahahahaha...wad do you expect? i was freaking bored...4hours of shit ass drawing class...

and oh ya..some racist chinese boy signed my drawing "By Malay gurl"

blardie!

so heres the real life pics

and i find myself finding it hard to draw boobs

heheheh...

contrary to that, i find drawing men's body alot easier than women

drawing and shading rippling muscles alot more challenging than women's breasts

hah!

this is my favourite so far..
SPORTY MEN...I LOIKE!

im pretty good huh?

khekhekhekhekhe!

and here is an oil-pastel piece by me and Vincent, Impressionism style inspired by Vincent Van Gogh..This piece is done by the two of us in 20 mins and it looked like its done by one person...that shows that we're such a good team! wohoo!

it looked kinda messy..but its actually a good piece of ART

wakhakhaakhahaka..

i dunno

my lecturer is JUST LIKE MS.CHUA

even it is not nice to our eyes

its beautiful to hers

yeah..whatever..

BLABLABLA

oh ya...

i had enough of naked men and ladies

when

going

end...??

I STILL HATE ART YA KNOW..

16:12

hah!

ok..

i was REEEEAAALLLYYY bored

i got ready early

and

Fifie was late

his friend's tak gune nak mampos punye BMW

had to be sent for servicing to fix the bloody break pedal

and i haf to wait

for

four shit hours

heh

so...

i took pictures of myself

kwangkwangkwangkwang!

i tell you

I WAS FUCKING BORED

hahahah

when Fifie came to fetch me,

i showed him the pictures

he said i got nothing better to do

hehehe!

i pester him to get himself and his mom

a new car la

asyik pinjam-pinjam kawan aje

in the end break pedal cock-up kene repair

let people freeload dier for free

bodoh macam biskut..

but we did go for car shopping that day

den went Bugis to get himself some t-shirts

and proceeded to Topman to buy some smart pants

i tink shopping grew out of me

dunno why i dun lust for new clothes anymore la

just being there for Fifie la

he ask me to go shopping wif him

after all,

he's the one who has always been there for me

man..the various trips to the doctor

he's the one who has been sending me back and forth

and being so patient wif me

when i cry like somebody died

when i being such a bitch

when i scream at his face

for nothing

urm...alot of times

heh..i still feel guilty for that

i owe him alot

all i can offer him now

is to be there for him

wah mamat SIA-Engineer dah naik pangkat seeeey

cepat seeeey

woohooo!

kahkahkahkahakhahakah!

...

me, sab and Kakis

so need a holiday

man...another girl's heart is broken

my sister is a great woman

why her 3year boyfriend

just abandon her like dat

haiz..

another coward asshole

fucking SHITHEAD

...

just met Sab on Sunday

but i still miss her

the one person

one reason

for me to keep going on

oh yeah

nobody mess wif her

whoever..

have to go thru me first

...

my assignment...

i rock

my 1st design is a 3D model-thats my baby (took me a week to create this)

my 2nd design is a stencil (took me 4 days)

my 3rd design is a DJ ala Picasso style (took me a few hours of developments hehe)

4 weeks of rendering, rejections, development and research

and

still

got

B+

how unfair :(

but

i still rock

-sue rocks!-

22:06

disappointment

why?
why do you have to let him stab you in the back?

i might be the one that have gone totally mental

i might be the one that have all those crazy panic attacks

i might be the one taking all those pills

i might be the one who have to in and out of the doctor's office

but i am one thing for sure that i am just so DETERMINE to get

TO GET OVER THAT SONOFABITCH

im progressing

im recovering

im taking one small step at a time

and

im getting there

you want to know why?

because I freaking WANT TO LET GO

its not what you HAVE to do

its a matter whether you WANT to or not

its your choice

if u really want to get on with your life

without that asshole,

i suggest you think what you have been doing

if you're telling me that you've tried

i dun see how hard

because damn hell you're not trying hard enough

you keep falling back

everytime you realise that he's not worth your love

you move on a little and when u start missing him,

you fall back to square one

i ask you, Hid..what is it that you want?

you keep U-turning

when are you advancing?

you let him win

i dun get it..why are you giving him more space to destroy you?

i know it's hard, Hid

no one says its going to be easy either

and you're making it harder for yourself

but for you to just give up, just....

i dont know...its pretty frustrating

i was so hoping that you know wad life means to you

im still am hoping

that you would open your eyes

and

look around you

you never knew how wide the world is

your world is narrow now Hid

now your world is all about that asshole

maybe you've seen how wide the world is

you just push reality away

hoping that the matrep will change

he's not going to change

you will have to

you have expected people who loves you to scream at you

and also be disappointed in you

and u let us be disappointed in you?

why?

why do you let people who genuinely loves you get disappointed?

why do you let people who genuinely loves you get their heart's broken?

why do you let that matrep, the person who destroys you, a chance?

why not give yourself a chance?

why not give us, people who care for you, some more space to love you even more?

why?

dont tell me you CANT do it

you can

its just that...you dont allow yourself to be able to do it

im going to be terribly sorry if you tell me, "Oh Suly...I've tried but I cant help it!"

oh for fuck's sake, Hid..nobody can help it

sheer determination has to be your bestfren now

ur family and frens..even me..this is as far as we can help you

to be there for you, to help you see, to advice you

thats all

and beyond that, its all you

...

dun let him win, Hid

im begging you

please dun let him win

i'll be at the sidelines..

cheering you on

with the same faith as everybody else

Faith in you

05:20

remember mr.hottie??

yes
im the one who first called him abang khayrol when we were 14
and everybody starts calling him dat too..
6 years later,and the name still sticks (wich is now)
everybody still calls him dat!
i remember the very first time he talks
"ITS MORPHINE TIME!"
wakhakhahakha!
it still makes me laugh like hell
and yes, the gang still talk about it
hehehe LMAO!!!
i remember in school,
when we push each other to be the best
and in the end..
HE always comes out better than me
by
a
few
marks
WTH..
(i so can beat you in MATHS laaalalalalla)
i know..he's a smart smart guy
one guy with the looks AND the brain
and
i kinda miss him...
he looked me up thru friendster just recently
i guess he miss me too WAHAHAHAHA
yes he does
he does
stupid abang khayrol
gone missing for bitches years
den come back to haunt me
...
YOU ARE MY ABANG KHAYROL
AND
MY MR.HOTTIE
syazwan has started to call u mr.hottie now wich is kinda weird
wei SAB lets tarik abang khayrol pegi dancefloor
wakhakhakahakha!!
...
haiz..
i wish i stay happy forever..
hmmm...
...
exactly 6 years ago today,
Saiful passed away
though he was my first love dramatically cut by his death
i still haf a part of him in my heart
im still so in love wif u
but ur dead
heh..
:)
i know you're happy up there
and that you have been looking over for me
love you always
oh wells...you are my only one

"Only One"
Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason
I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

22:46

shattered tears

i tried my darnest to erase u from myself
my hardest
my all
and i realise there's a part in me who doesnt want to let go
i did my very best to release that tension
its like forcing open a clenched fist with a wrencher
its hard
its fucking hard
its her fault
she made me sit back, close my eyes and relax
she told me to imagine his face
den
she told me to imagine his face smiling
tears starts welling up but i held it back
she told me to imagine his face smiling and holding a baby
dats wen tears started to roll down my cheeks...hot tears
she saw but she continued
she told me to imagine his face smiling, holding a baby and a woman standing beside him
i couldnt take it
i just couldnt take it
im still very much in pain...and it hurts
my supposed last appointment
has changed
i still haf to go back there again
i wanted to be okay
i dun wan to be like this
but why when applying formulas to theory i just failed miserably?
i try to be strong for Hid, deep inside, im crumbling
when i hear how dat stoopid Ariffin just abandon Sab,
i remembered how Yan abandon me
exactly like that
when i read dat she cries at night
i turn in bed at night and cried for her too
why do we haf to face such treatment
its cruel
everytime i face sab,
i knew deeply how she feels inside
and my heart just bleeds
...
why?
why cant u just fucking face me and tell me the whole fucking truth
why Ariffin, why cant u face Sab and tell her wads wrong?
for u to just fuck it
why dont u just fuck it about telling straight to MY FACE
...
Fifie told me he miss the old Sue
i miss my old self too
i have to
bring myself back
...
im going to dread the next few appointments
why do i haf to go thru shit
for an asshole
i hate my life...

22:22

OH GEEZ!

the countless sleepless nights

overloaded assignments

over-extensive workloads

never-ending demand for designs

and

the endless appointments

degrades my appearance a hell lot

the humongous eyebags under my eyes

are so conspicous

hell

LOOK

HORRIBLE

Labels: eyebags

22:51

remember, remember, the 5th of september

YES!

FINALLY!

FREAKING

GOT

NEW

HANDPHONE

WAKAKAKAKA!

the Xpress music phone Nokia 5300

though its kind of out-dated

tapi takpela

the long-awaited phone

hmm...

lalalalala

a present from my sister

for

a damn belated bday

and also

a gift for my recovery

...

i will be going for an appointment

this coming tuesday

hopefully

it'll be the last one

tired sia..

its shits to be depressed la

why

do i haf to go thru heartaches and pain??

so unfair :(

...

however,

my weekends are pretty packed

will be meeting a bestfren from primary school tomorrow

how exciting!

i cant wait to meet her though..!!

oh dat will be in the afternoon

after that,

haf to meet the gang for dinner

DEAREST DALI BDAY

wahlau..dun bring ur gf la bro

takle giler2 saks

bodoh

den...

sunday got class BABI-Q

kind of lazy to go

but haf to go

coz of the $6.50 spenditure

WEAK!

and oh ya

ASSIGNMENTS

how pack can my head be??

...

im kind of glad

that

im in this crazy-work-overload-course

which keep me super duper busy

and

also

im really happy

that i haf such great frens who help me

to bypass my misery

by keeping my weekends packed

so that

most of the time

i wont be thinking about u

as i always do

it takes time for me to make u a NON-EXISTENCE

i really hope

that I will never see your damn face again

i shall receive NO HEARTACHES this year

please

...

oh ya sab

i will always be here,there,everywhere,anywhere

whenever u need me

no matter how depressed

how crazy i am

meeting u

just blows my troubles away

...

my doktor giler asked me if i miss him

i said, "Always."

den she asked me if i keep thinking about him

i said, "I try not to but I do.All the time."

she asked me how have i been doing so far

i told her i haf successfully kept myself busy,happy and keep my head off him 80% of the time..and i told her thinking about him before i go to sleep is inevitable..it is a quiet time where my mind is clear and he just pops up..

she told me to engage myself in a book before i go to sleep

gradually

i will not think about him anymore

and stop missing him

and

KIND-OF

WORK

...

when Saiful died,

i was terribly emotionally unstable

until now,

i have never visited his grave

not going there, keeps me going now

it keeps me going, if Yan just never reappear at my face

so please eh

keep ur distance

...

my ex-neighbour, Fifie,has been a dear

he was with me right from the start i fell 6 feet under

he sent me to doktor giler for EVERY SINGLE appointments

i feel kinda guilty

what will other people think of him,

sitting outside waiting for some maniac girl

to finish her appointment every week?

but he refused to listen to me

so..

yah..

hate to menyusahkan orang la

haiyaaak!!!

but the really good thing about him is..

HE NEVER SPOKE A SINGLE COMMENT ABOUT YAN

bcoz from the start

he respected Yan

A hell lot.

i dunno why..

however

he's not siding anybody

thats great abt him

...

i went for a visit to Fifie's house

to meet his mother

and

she cried when she sees me

i was surprised at that reaction

she loves me like her own daughter

i felt bad

i made alot of people cry

becoz of my fall

i hate tears

its so upsetting

THE NEXT PERSON WHO BAWLS AT MY FACE, WILL GET A REAL GOOD BITCH-SLAP/SMACK ACROSS HIS/HER FACE FROM ME

wakakakaaka

and

im not kidding

...

its funny

that my mom told me

dat if a guy wants to get to know me,

remember to ask for his age

wahahahaha

MY MOM IS SOOOO CUTE LA!

khekhehekhehkehe!

...

i miss my belo-ness

MUST RECOVER FAST!

Labels: road to recovery

22:39