hi how are you and the little one doing? should be happy? oh what am i saying? you should be. that's the first thing you said to me after the incident right? i cant believe im still that silly stupid loser girl i once was. i just want to say thanks for what you did to me. without you, i wouldnt know... how i was deeply scrutinized by a aww-that's-so-sad-but-i-have-alot-of-other-girls-like-you-so-lets-get-over-and-done-with counselor how depression pills feels like. how the IMH lobby looks like with people/nurses passing by wondering if this young girl is crazy or just depressed or just having family problems how my bestfriend (the one who you get crazy jealous about) looks at me sympathetically while sending me to weekly sessions i feel sorry for him for the burden/trouble i've caused him everyday i cried for myself i cried everywhere and i dont know why i cried in the toilet while sleeping while walking while flagging for the bus in the bus in class even when i watched Fifie and his bestfriend arguing and they stopped arguing thinking that they made me cry i cried but i dont want them to stop because they were honest with each other i felt like a child and when i saw him just sleeping on the couch, waiting in the lobby for me, looking so exhausted, i find myself crying for him instead every week, after every session, i sit on the floor, not on the couch but on the floor, in front of him watching him sleep wondering why he cared wondering if someone like me deserves a friend like him everytime he wakes up, he always asked Are you feeling better? i either nod or shook my head never talking to him never looking at him in the eye never looking up i was embarrased crazy ashamed i did not want Fifie to sacrifice his sleep because of me the many times i told him im fine by myself, those many times he said fuck you at my face man, i needed that daily fuck yous from him it woke me up though at first it angers me and i screamed fuck you too Fifie! and then everytime he will say fuck you back,sue you're such a bitch i grinned our idiosyncrasy made me grin even wider then i smiled and then i laughed i realised i so much wanted to see my bestfriend smile back at me with relief and i had to rebuild myself up again thinking that if i were to live like a pathetic loser how am i going to support him in future if he were the one to crash and burn i have always been this confident girl i never thought my self-esteem would drop to near zero so you know thanks for giving me a sense of paranoia for making me believe that people who smile are pretentious fuck to those people who says, Not everyone who smiles are pretentious i dont believe in genuinity or fucking sincerity fuck to those who says, Not all guys are like you for letting me NOT see truth in people and in whatever they say for not trusting people everything that people say to me are just pretty words i have these four walls around me i think its made of lead it keeps my emotions intact and other people's feelings out i've been bad and my karma is you you fucked me bad and you karma is her you have no idea what ive been through and i have no idea what you are going through right now either with all the responsibilities you're dealing right now i can only smile pretentiously i have had wanted you to break down real bad but i guess you are going through a lot worse than i am you have a beautiful gift i hope you teach the little one not be a coward just like you after reading this, you must be angry or maybe you'll be laughing at my stupidity or maybe you'll say, "I cant believe she's still talking about this?" its been more than a year i cant believe it either but it doesnt matter i aint mad at you nor will i ever hold a grudge against you i still call you an asshole because you are but i dont hate you i blame myself and i blame you too i just want you to know that you did ruin me still i think i understand everything happens for a reason you should watch "Beautiful Life" Korean series ... oh and for that particular someone, please (yes,i said please) dont say you love me you dont even know me its just wrong so wrong ...
i want to kick Fifie's stupid 7-year old KR into smitheerins so he'll change into a new bike the last time i had asked himto change, he reskin his red KR to green in defiance if i nag at him again, he threatened to respray it pink
i loathe pink
what a nitwit jackass
02:45
japanese hot bod
hotness! i know im late but i just found out about him through j-doramas and im addicted to him and this song i like it when yamapi goes "ahhh" *melts...*
he's hot la dammit
to me
with hair like that and body like that, not too fat not too skinny JUST HOT his lips my gosh... his lips his eyes, not as sepet as most Japanese just nice and sexy and a face that never smile the serious look that mysterious not-so-mysterious look a face that looks like he couldnt care less im attracted to guys like that
i think.
and PLUS he's tall
BONUS and he's hot
how many times have i said that?
ha breathless...
sorry fifie, i love you but you're going down on my hotness list muahahaha.
ha! GO!
03:00
Ya Allah, adakah dia rezekiku?
this is how i feel
Tell me where our time went And if it was time well spent Just don't let me fall asleep Feeling empty again
'Cause I fear I might break And I fear I can't take it Tonight I'll lay awake, feeling empty
I can feel the pressure It's getting closer now We're better off without you I can feel the pressure It's getting closer now We're better off without you
Now that I'm losing hope And there's nothing else to show For all of the days that we spent Carried away from home
Somethings I'll never know And I had to let them go I'm sitting all alone, feeling empty
I can feel the pressure It's getting closer now We're better off without you I can feel the pressure It's getting closer now We're better off without you
Somethings I'll never know, and I had to let them go Somethings I'll never know, and I had to let them go I'm sitting all alone feeling empty
I can feel the pressure It's getting closer now We're better off without you Feel the pressure It's getting closer now You're better off with out me ...
i have big dreams in future i will let NO ONE be the barrier of my designated wish nor will i not let you be the cause of the annihilation of my dreams . . . read between the lines you know what i mean
is all i can say
-Hanya Allah yang akan menentunya. Amin.-
05:40
normal
i am a normal girl with normal overdue handphone bills
ok bye
16:59
life contract
"if this is how you show how you value our friendship. then, take it back and stuff it up your ass ok? cos there's no way will i make any further efforts to save it. you have shown me what a jackass you are and i as your friend of many years... am truly disappointed. i do enjoy being around you. but sadly, this has got to stop. so thanks for the memories.... do not expect to hear from me ever again. with this, i...sabby norman wishes to terminate all kinds of acquaintanceship with you, jackasses. be happy with your little pricks of a girlfriend and stay there. i hope you relationship lasts because i definitely will not be there when it ends. goodbye. --------------------------------- i can't believe how shit people can be towards precious friendships. go to hell!"
taken from sab's blog (lovestrictmesin.livejournal.com)
with all these, i...suhaily salleh, agree on the terms vindicated above and i will not be the prolonged victim of this so called blunder of a friendship i shall stand my ground that being alone is never lonely than having friends like you dicks with no brain of their own being with dickheads like the bunch of you guys is hell more lonelier than just being with sab alone so screw you all ... been wanting to buy a lot of important things but im short of cash im risking my trust on my laptop so a 120GB external HD is still top on my 'Things To Buy' list and then theres this feeling of being super old skool im sick of wanting to buy mp3 and contemplating of what kind of mp3 and i want to get a discman and buy old skool cds like nsync (hahhaha!) justin timberlake limp bizkit no doubt pink D12 machi the used story of the year blink 182 sum 41 finch new found glory and also new bands paramore and japanese singles by Yamapi or Kame ahh... many-many i will be that conservative girl in the train with a big ass headphone drowning my ears with full blast music and being oblivious with anybody around. just me and my music ... when can i buy an iphone? really. who is willing to loan me some money?? hehe just kidding ... actually i dun feel the need of having a bf right now im fine on my own more than fine finer than fine not good enough? im immensely contented with my current life maybe it takes somebody to love their self enough to be able to live on their own thats why it is so hard for me to share my life with somebody else im touchy about my life because its mine all mine theres more Insyaallah in 2years, whatever it takes whomever i have to leave whenever it will be i will leave the country so i want to leave in peace sorry for being so fuckin self-centered i need to be selfish once in a while ya?
ok go!
16:59
trying too hard
im a lyricist i like meaningful lyrics meaningless songs like yours shouldnt be the most viewed vid in youtube you still sound awful your music sucks your lyrics' stupid your genre's all wrong the only good thing about you is your husband haha ... i have an issue but i dont know how to put it maybe you're still young maybe im just sick maybe you think you're good at what you're doing maybe i think you got a long way to go huh.. you want to be known you want to be seen you want to be praised you want to show off all i see is you trying too hard i want to barf i want to smirk i want to snigger i dont know whether i shud laugh out loud or shud i? i dont know. it doesnt make me run for my money it does not. i might be wrong maybe im right. i still dont know. im thinking its not a competition anymore im bored extremely bored im dying im dragging myself to places to the wrong places please dun call yourself a bunch of designers with the shit ass job you did for a poster its embarrassing its a shame where you actually came from cause it is also where i come from this is controversial can i do better? hell yeah. shud i prove it to you? hell no. what will i receive in the end? im just glad i wasnt part of it. part of you. part of all of you. heh. ... yesterday or was it 2 days ago? hell who cares? i stood in front of the mirror and tried to smile i cant. for a mere second i tried to hold that stupid muscle to stay smiling it was too much to bear i released i tried smiling again my cheeks trembled my brows were knitted into a frown i was concentrating too hard my face's all screwed up it's all going to a wrong expression with the wrong intention and my face got tired i gave up. my face is made fierce. i will never smile again or even try smiling i dont know why i even bothered.
