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letter to you
hi
how are you and the little one doing?
should be happy?
oh what am i saying?
you should be.
that's the first thing you said to me after the incident right?
i cant believe im still that silly stupid loser girl i once was.
i just want to say thanks
for what you did to me.
without you, i wouldnt know...
how i was deeply scrutinized by a aww-that's-so-sad-but-i-have-alot-of-other-girls-like-you-so-lets-get-over-and-done-with counselor
how depression pills feels like.
how the IMH lobby looks like with people/nurses passing by wondering if this young girl is crazy or just depressed or just having family problems
how my bestfriend (the one who you get crazy jealous about) looks at me sympathetically while sending me to weekly sessions
i feel sorry for him for the burden/trouble i've caused him
everyday i cried for myself
i cried everywhere and i dont know why
i cried in the toilet
while sleeping
while walking
while flagging for the bus
in the bus
in class
even when i watched Fifie and his bestfriend arguing
and they stopped arguing thinking that they made me cry
i cried but i dont want them to stop
because they were honest with each other
i felt like a child
and when i saw him just sleeping on the couch, waiting in the lobby for me, looking so exhausted, i find myself crying for him instead
every week, after every session, i sit on the floor, not on the couch but on the floor, in front of him watching him sleep
wondering why he cared
wondering if someone like me deserves a friend like him
everytime he wakes up, he always asked Are you feeling better?
i either nod or shook my head
never talking to him
never looking at him in the eye
never looking up
i was embarrased
crazy ashamed
i did not want Fifie to sacrifice his sleep because of me
the many times i told him im fine by myself,
those many times he said fuck you at my face
man, i needed that daily fuck yous from him
it woke me up though
at first it angers me and i screamed fuck you too Fifie!
and then everytime he will say fuck you back,sue you're such a bitch
i grinned
our idiosyncrasy made me grin even wider
then i smiled
and then i laughed
i realised i so much wanted to see my bestfriend smile back at me with relief
and i had to rebuild myself up again
thinking that if i were to live like a pathetic loser
how am i going to support him in future
if he were the one to crash and burn
i have always been this confident girl
i never thought my self-esteem would drop to near zero
so you know thanks
for giving me a sense of paranoia
for making me believe that people who smile are pretentious
fuck to those people who says, Not everyone who smiles are pretentious
i dont believe in genuinity
or fucking sincerity
fuck to those who says, Not all guys are like you
for letting me NOT see truth in people and in whatever they say
for not trusting people
everything that people say to me are just pretty words
i have these four walls around me i think its made of lead
it keeps my emotions intact and other people's feelings out
i've been bad and my karma is you
you fucked me bad and you karma is her
you have no idea what ive been through
and i have no idea what you are going through right now either
with all the responsibilities you're dealing right now
i can only smile
pretentiously
i have had wanted you to break down real bad
but i guess you are going through a lot worse than i am
you have a beautiful gift
i hope you teach the little one not be a coward just like you
after reading this,
you must be angry
or maybe you'll be laughing at my stupidity
or maybe you'll say, "I cant believe she's still talking about this?"
its been more than a year i cant believe it either
but
it doesnt matter
i aint mad at you nor will i ever hold a grudge against you
i still call you an asshole because you are but i dont hate you
i blame myself and i blame you too
i just want you to know that you did ruin me
still
i think i understand
everything happens for a reason
you should watch "Beautiful Life" Korean series
...
oh and for that particular someone,
please (yes,i said please) dont say you love me
you dont even know me
its just wrong
so wrong
...
i want to kick Fifie's stupid 7-year old KR into smitheerins
so he'll change into a new bike
the last time i had asked himto change,
he reskin his red KR to green in defiance
if i nag at him again, he threatened to respray it pink
i loathe pink
what a nitwit jackass
02:45
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